Child behaviour tools: planned ignoring

Planned ignoring is when you take your attention away from your child for a little while when your child behaves badly. This can be a useful child behaviour tool and needn’t feel like rejection. However, this should not be done if you are feeling angry or frustrated with your child. This should be used within a secure, loving relationship. Also, no technique is a magic way to help children behave well, each child is unique and also developing and changing.

What is planned ignoring?

Planned ignoring is one of a number of possible tools for guiding your child's behavior. But remember, no one tool is the magic answer, and each child is different. Most important, all these guidance tools are meant to be used within your warm, loving relationship with your child. Now let's look at this tool!

Planned ignoring is paying no attention to a child when she’s misbehaving.

For example, if you’re having a family meal and your child is bouncing up and down on his seat, you could leave him out of the conversation and not look at him until he stops. When he stops, you could say, ‘I love it when you sit still on your chair at dinner. Why don’t you tell us what you did at preschool today?’.

The key is to reward your child with lots of attention when she’s behaving well – but don’t give her any attention when she behaves badly.

Why does planned ignoring work?

Planned ignoring works because if you have a warm,secure relationship already, your attention is a big reward for your child.

If your child behaves in a particular way and gets your attention, he’s likely to behave that way again. But if you ignore the behaviour, it’s less likely to happen again. So attention for good behaviour usually leads to more good behaviour, and no attention for bad behaviour usually leads to less bad behaviour.

In your child's mind, a parent's reaction to bad behaviour is better than no attention at all, so even criticism or disciplining could feel like a reward to your child – Ind can actually lead to more bad behaviour.

Should you tell your child you’re ignoring him? It depends on whether telling your child might reward him with attention. For minor behaviour, you might not say anything. Or you could explain once that you won’t respond when your child behaves in a particular way. Then ignore the behaviour whenever it happens after that, without saying anything else.

It's important that ignoring should not feel like rejection to your child. If you are really angry, and that anger comes through in your tone of voice ("Grrrr, I'm ignoring you!"), it's best not to use this tool right now.

Planned ignoring: tips

Here are some tips for using planned ignoring.

Completely ignore. Don’t look at your child or say anything while she’s misbehaving. Glances, smiles or even frowns can be rewarding. Where it’s safe and practical, calmly walk away from your child while she’s behaving badly.
Start ignoring when the behaviour starts. Stop ignoring when the behaviour has been stopped for a while. This might mean 20 seconds of ignoring for a toddler and a few minutes of ignoring for older children. You can respond again when your child stops misbehaving.
Plan some ways of distracting yourself if you think you’ll find it hard to ignore your child. You could put on some music, count in your head , do breathing exercises, or plan your shopping list.
Consistently pay attention to the behaviour you want to see instead of the behaviour you’re ignoring.

Remember, sometimes children behave in challenging ways to express big feelings or worries. We're all dealing with some scary situations. When this happens it’s good to try talking with your child about his feelings – or you can talk afterwards when he’s calm. When you help your child to understand his feelings, it helps him to manage his feelings and behaviour.

Deciding to use planned ignoring

Ignoring isn’t always the best option. Before deciding to ignore behaviour, it’s a good idea to check a few things.

Is the behaviour rewarded by someone else’s attention?
If the behaviour is rewarded by someone else’s attention – for example, siblings or friends – it won’t make any difference if you ignore it. In this case, you might need to look at another behaviour tool – for example, changing your child’s environment .

Should you ignore the behaviour?
You can’t ignore dangerous behaviour or behaviour that hurts others or damages property – for example, biting, hitting, pulling on the curtains or throwing things. In this case, a behaviour tool like consequences or time-out might be appropriate.

Can you ignore the behaviour wherever it happens?
If you ignore the behaviour in one place but not another, you’ll get more of the behaviour in the place you don’t want it. For example, if you ignore your child yelling at home but not at the supermarket, you might get more yelling at the supermarket. You could try planning ahead for the behaviour at the supermarket.

Will other people ignore the behaviour?
If you have managed to successfully ignore a behaviour, but your partner, friend or relative suddenly comes in and pays attention, your good work will be undone. Backing each other up is an important part of guiding your children’s behaviour, so it’s good if you and your partner can talk and agree on what behaviour you’ll ignore.

Be prepared – behaviour that’s ignored often gets worse before it gets better. Children might complain or nag more, hoping you’ll respond. You should consider this when deciding whether to use planned ignoring as a behaviour tool.