Child care: when your child is not settling

Some children take longer or need more help to settle into child care. Share information with your child’s educators about your child’s feelings and experiences at child care. Work with the educators to help your child build a trusting relationship with them.

About settling in at child care

Some children settle happily in their new child care setting within a few days or weeks. Others get upset and cry, even after the first few weeks. And some children settle at first and then get upset later – often when the novelty of the new environment has worn off.

It might help to know that most children stop crying shortly after the parent goes. And most children settle eventually.

Separation anxiety is a normal part of child development. The difficulty is that it often starts about the time that families are starting child care. It will pass in its own time, and your child’s educators will probably have plenty of ideas for supporting your child.

Sharing information: a key way to help children who are not settling at child care

Sharing information with your child’s educators and carers is really important to helping your child settle into child care.

For example, you could say, ‘Natasha doesn’t like a blanket during nap time’. Or you could tell them about things you do at home, like a special song you sing when you change a nappy.

It is also a good idea to share what is going on at home and how your child is feeling. For example, your child might be excited about a birthday, or sad and not sleeping well because her mother is away.

A chat with educators at the beginning and end of each day gives you the chance to find out how your child is settling. It also helps you build relationships with your child’s educators.

You can check with the child care setting if it is okay for you to call during the day to ask how your child has settled. This can really help your peace of mind. Most care settings welcome these calls.

Building your child’s relationships with educators

Children feel safe with people they know well and trust. So one of the best things you can do is help your child build trusting relationships with her educators. Here are some ideas:

Show your child that you trust the educators – for example, let him see you talking comfortably with them.
Talk to your child about the educators in the same way you talk about friends of your family. Say positive things and use the educators’ names.
Display photos of the educators at home and give them photos of yourself so they can talk about you with your child. Or you could put photos in a book for your child. This helps your child make a connection between home and child care.

Saying goodbye: tips to help children who are not settling at child care

Here are some ideas you can try to make it easier for you and your child to say goodbye at child care:

Acknowledge your child’s feelings, give her words to help express herself, and comfort her. For example, ‘I know you feel sad. It’s hard to say goodbye. But Tanya has got some pretty leaves to show you’.
Talk about an activity you and your child will do together when you get home or when you come to pick him up, like playing in the garden or reading a story.
Have a goodbye routine, like three kisses and a big hug or some other special thing that is meaningful to your child.
Let your child know that you or another familiar grown-up will be back to pick her up at a particular time, or after an event that your child understands, like sleep or snack time.
Keep your goodbyes brief. Staying around to comfort your upset child can sometimes make things worse. But it is a good idea to make sure the educator is nearby to comfort your child when you go.
Try to stay positive, both when you say goodbye and at home. Otherwise your child might pick up on your anxious feelings and feel more worried or unsafe.

Always say goodbye, even if your child looks busy and happy when it is time for you to leave. Leaving without a goodbye can make children more upset when they realise you have gone. It is best to let your child know you are going and say that you will be back later.

If you find that your child is not settling in and that the care setting just is not right for your child, you may wish to explore other child care settings that may suit them better.