Positive attention and your child
What is positive attention?
Positive attention is the way you show delight in your child and warmth in your relationship through:
- smiling at your child
- making eye contact and using caring facial expressions
- being physically gentle and caring with your child
- using words to celebrate and encourage your child
- showing interest in your child’s interests, activities and achievements.
Why positive attention is important
From birth, children need experiences and relationships that show them they’re valued, capable human beings who bring pleasure to others. Positive attention, reactions and responses from key grown-ups help children build a picture of how valued they are.
Your child’s self-image builds up over time with positive, loving messages from you and other important people in her/his life.
Your child’s feelings of security and safety come from her interactions with you and the other people who care for her/him. If you reassure and support your child when he/she’s frightened, uncertain or faced with a new or unfamiliar situation, he/she’ll feel safe and secure.
How to show positive attention: all ages
No matter what your child’s age, there are simple things you can do every day to send the message that your child is special and important. For example:
- Look at your child and smile at her/him.
- Show interest in what your child is doing – ask her/him to tell you about it if he/she can.
- Pay attention and listen closely when your child talks to you.
- Make up some special rituals you can share together.
There are also ways you can show positive attention to children of different ages.
Newborns and babies: positive attention tips
- Comfort your baby when he/she cries.
- Smile back when your baby smiles.
- Respond to the sounds your baby makes by saying something in return.
- Chat about what’s going on around the two of you.
- Notice what your baby is interested in and encourage her/him to explore – for example, show your baby how to shake a colourful rattle that has caught her/his eye.
Toddlers: positive attention tips
- Tell your child exactly what you like about what he/she’s doing. For example, ‘I love it when you help to pick up the blocks’. Use a positive tone of voice to match the praise.
- Get into the moment with your child. This could be as simple as squatting down to look at a caterpillar together.
- When you’re talking together, leave time after you talk so your child can reply, even if he/she can’t always find the right words.
Preschoolers: positive attention tips
Make time to do your child’s favourite activities with her/him – for example, jigsaws, Lego, painting and so on.
- Give lots of feedback about the kinds of behaviour that you want to encourage – for example, ‘Thanks for bringing your plate to the kitchen. That makes it much quicker to tidy up after lunch’.
- Remember to smile and make eye contact with your child when you greet her/him in the morning – perhaps even take a moment for a special cuddle.
When it’s hard to be positive
It’s not realistic or even normal to be positive all the time. And your child will cope just fine if you’re occasionally unavailable, anxious, or distracted. Home stresses, as well as the pandemic, economic uncertainty, and other events create difficult times for you and your child. Remember to take care of yourself.
It’s what happens over time, not each particular incident, that makes the difference. If your child gets mostly positive attention from you over time, he/she’ll feel loved and secure.
However, when parents are consistently unable to focus on their children’s needs, children can be negatively affected in the early years and into the future. If many of your daily interactions with your child are negative, or if it’s hard for you to feel or act positively with your child, it’s worth seeking help from your health provider or other professional help.
