Helping children adjust after separation or divorce

Children adjusting to separation and divorce

Separation and divorce usually mean big changes for family life. Your child might feel upset when these changes happen. It is normal and okay for your child to feel upset, and it will help him to know that this is a tough time for everyone.

Talking with your child is one of the best ways to help him adjust to the changes in your family. There are also some practical things you can do to help, including sticking with familiar routines.

Talking with your child about separation and divorce

Here are some tips for talking with your child about the changes that separation and divorce bring.

Keep it simple
Your child does not need to know all the details. But she does have a right to know what is happening, and she needs to know that things will be okay again.

It’s best if you can explain in clear, simple and honest language your child can understand. For example, ‘We both love you, and we are going to take care of you. But we have decided that it works best for our family if your father and I live apart’.

Take your time with hard questions
If your child asks you a hard question like ‘Where am I going to live now?’, you could ask, ‘What have you heard?’ This helps you find out what your child already knows or does not understand.

Sometimes you won’t know how to answer a tough question, so give yourself time to think. If you cannot answer straight away, tell your child that you will get back to him. You could say, ‘I don’t know right now. Your father and I are still working that out. But I do know that you will get to spend time with each of us’.

If your child asks you tricky questions about your former partner, encourage your child to talk to your former partner directly. If your relationship with your former partner is okay, you could let your former partner know that your child has asked some questions.

Read between the lines
Your child’s questions might be motivated by specific concerns. For example, if your child asks when mother is going to move back, she might be worrying about when she will see her mother. Ask your child what she is worrying about, and reassure her with simple words that show you understand. For example ‘Don’t worry – you’re still going to see your mother every week. I understand that is very important for you’.

Whatever question your child asks, it is good to reassure your child that you and your former partner loves him.

Keep the conversation going
Your child might keep thinking about an issue, so be prepared to answer questions more than once. If you make a regular time to talk, this can give your child a chance to discuss her concerns. For example, it could be after dinner, just before you read a book or play a quiet game together. You can also use this time to let your child know about new developments.

Talk about feelings
Your child will probably see you feeling sad, angry or upset. That’s natural and even healthy. It’s important to let your child know that you love him, that your feelings are not his fault, and that things will get better.

Seeing you express feelings in a calm and healthy way lets your child know that it’s okay for her to do this too. When your child expresses feelings, try reflecting those feelings back to her. This gives you both the chance to explore and understand her feelings better. You can say things like, ‘I can see you are upset’ or ‘I understand this makes you feel sad’.

It might be difficult to hear about your child’s hurt or anger, but he needs to talk too.

Suggest someone else to talk to
Sometimes it is easier for children to share feelings and thoughts with someone other than their parents. You could encourage your child to talk to another trusted adult – a friend, a teacher, an aunt, uncle, cousin or grandparent. If friends and family are likely to be talking with your child, it is a good idea to ask them not to make negative comments about your former partner.

Familiar routines and rituals after separation or divorce

Routines help children feel secure, safe and in control, so keeping up routines can help your child cope with changes like separation and divorce.

Try to identify small routines that really matter to your child, like a regular playdate with a friend or a special book before bed. Let your child know that these things will not change. If possible, try not to change big things like your child’s school.

It is also good to maintain rituals. The way you wake your child in the morning or what you say to her at bedtime are reassuring rituals that you can easily keep up.

Decision-making with children after separation or divorce

If you can involve your child in small day-to-day decisions like how to arrange his room or what to have for dinner, it’ll help your child feel like he has some control.

With older children, you can talk about how much time they would like to spend with you or their other parent. It is important to listen carefully and let children know that their opinions matter.

Fun time with children after separation or divorce

Take time out to have some fun, even if it is just a quick tickle or putting on some music and dancing together. It is also good to do a few things on the spur of the moment – for example, having dinner as a picnic in the park.

Support from child care, preschool or school after separation or divorce

After separation or divorce, there might be changes in your child’s behaviour that are a sign she needs more support. Her teachers can watch out for these signs, or there might be things they could do to help.

The effects of family violence can continue after a relationship is over. Family violence can also start or get significantly worse when parents separate. Family violence of any kind is not okay. If you or anybody you know is experiencing family violence, seek help by talking to a professional like a family doctor or counsellor, talk to the police or call a helpline.