Talking about tough topics

Why it’s good to talk about tough topics with children

Tough topics are those that can be emotional and difficult to discuss in your family.  Divorce, illness, death, sex, violence, natural disasters – these and other topics are all part of life. Talking about tough topics is one way you can help your child deal with life’s difficulties.

If you encourage open communication about tough topics, your child learns that she can always talk to you. She’ll understand that you’ll always be there to listen if something is worrying her.

And talking about tough topics with your child gives you a chance to explain values and beliefs that are important to your family and your culture.

Talking about tough topics can be important for children’s well-being. When children have the chance to express and work through feelings, it can help them to cope with stress.  If your child doesn’t understand the facts in a way that he can make sense of, he might imagine things that are far worse than the truth.

Talking about tough topics with toddlers and preschoolers

The way you handle tough topics will depend on your child’s age and how he makes sense of the world. 

When you talk about tough topics with toddlers and preschoolers, it’s important to focus on feelings that they understand and explain things in simple language. For example:

• ‘Grandma has died and we won’t see her anymore. I’m very sad.’
• ‘We love you. But we think the family will be happier if Dad and I live in different houses.’
• ‘Babies grow in a place inside their mummies called the uterus’.
• ‘I was really scared too when that car crashed into us, but we’re safe now.’
• 'We wear masks to help keep us safe from the coronavirus. It helps the germs stay away from people.'

Look for resources for how to talk about different tough topics at your library, through your child's school, or from your health provider. 

Also, it’s good to be aware of what your child is seeing or talking about at child care or preschool, as well as what she might be seeing in the media. For example, are there news videos of protests or conflict in your community?  This can give you the chance to raise tough topics with your child before she asks.

Planning for tough conversations

It’s a good idea to think about tough topics before your child asks. This way you’ll be prepared when a tough topic comes up.

Here are some tips to help you plan for difficult conversations:

• Tell your child sad or scary news yourself if you can, or ask someone who knows your child well to talk to your child. Tell your child as soon as you can after the event.
• If there’s time to plan ahead, choose a time when you’re both relaxed. If you can, choose a private and comfortable place to talk.
• Be honest. For example, ‘Yes, Dad is going to live with Sally now. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you any more’.
• Let your child know that he can ask you questions.
• Really listen to your child after you’ve started the conversation. Make eye contact and get down to your child’s level. You might find it useful to say her feelings back to her to check that you understand what she’s saying.
• Be ready to comfort your child with lots of cuddles if you need to.
• Use pretend play, drawing, and storybooks to help your preschooler process difficult information. 
• Come back to the tough topic in a week if your child doesn’t raise it with you. Your child needs time to process what you’ve been talking about, but she might also need encouragement to talk about it again.

Topics you have trouble with

There might be things you find really difficult to talk about. This could be because of your own background or your cultural and religious values. Or it could be because the tough topic affects you also, like divorce. If this sounds like you, you could consider talking to your partner or a friend about the issues that are difficult for you.

It’s OK to have feelings and to let your child know what they are. But if you show a great deal of distress, it might be upsetting for your child.  If you get too distressed when talking or thinking about tough topics, talk to your family health provider or another trusted professional. For example, if you’ve been through a traumatic event, you might find that talking about similar topics upsets you.