Using time-out to guide your child’s behaviour

What is time-out?

Time-out involves taking your child away from interesting activities and not giving your child attention for a short period of time.

If your child is behaving in an unacceptable way, time-out is a strategy that can help you guide your child’s behaviour.

Time-out works best when it’s used within a warm, secure parent-child relationship and in combination with other guidance strategies – for example, in combination with prevention of challenging behaviour (Using distraction; having enough for your child to do) and praise for acceptable behaviour.

How time-out works

When used thoughtfully, time-out may be a powerful way to teach children about unacceptable behaviour.  However, it can be misused. This article aims to help you put time-out in its place.

Even young children can understand that when they misbehave, they may lose the chance to be around other people and interesting things for a short time. Time-out also gives your child the chance to think about what happened and what she might do differently next time.

And time-out is less likely to make children feel anger, shame or fear than other approaches to discipline like smacking.

Time-out works well when the time you usually spend with your child is warm and loving  and when your behaviour expectations are reasonable for your child's age.  If your child’s behaviour or other things in your life are affecting the time you spend with your child, talk with your health provider or another professional.

About quiet time and time-out

There are two types of time-out strategy – quiet time and time-out.

Quiet time
This is when you remove your child from the situation, but not the place. For example, if you’re at the park you might ask your child to sit under a tree for five minutes and calm down. If you’re at home you might ask your child to sit in a chair against the wall in the same room as you.

If your child won’t stay in quiet time in the same room, you can try time-out in another room.

Time-out
In time-out, your child goes to a previously arranged time-out area, like a spare room or hallway, after misbehaving. The time-out area is usually a safe and boring room or location without toys or games.

You can leave the door of the area open, but if your child comes out before you say so, you can close the door until time-out is over. This can help to stop any battles between you and your child.

Closing the door might be the best choice if time-out leads to very loud or aggressive behaviour – from your child or you. Keeping the door open might be the best choice if you need to supervise your child during time-out.

Remember, time out isn't always the answer.  Sometimes challenging behaviour occurs because your child isn’t feeling well, a crisis in your family has occurred, or for some other reason, including your child’s stage of development.  Keep this in mind as you decide on behaviour guidance strategies for your child.

Introducing a time-out strategy in your family

Here are some things to think about before you start using a time-out strategy.

What are your strategies for staying calm?
First of all, when you’re using time-out, it’s important to stay calm. If you find yourself getting stressed, try taking a few deep breaths to help relax your body and mind.

How old is your child?
Time-out can be a useful strategy for children aged 3-8 years. Children younger than three years aren’t usually ready for time-out.  It's better to just use other approaches, described in other articles.

As your child gets older, you can start to involve him in working out limits and rules.

Is now a good time to start?
Sometimes children start behaving in challenging ways when there have been changes in their lives – for example, the arrival of a baby brother or sister, moving house, or starting child care, preschool or school.  The global pandemic is causing stress in families and affecting children as well as adults.

In situations like these, you might wait until your child has had some time to adjust to the changes, and think about other ways to encourage positive behavior. 

Which behaviour would you like to work on?
Think about your child’s behaviour and what you would like to change – for example, hitting or swearing. Keep in mind that it’s best to work on changing one behaviour at a time. When the behaviour you’ve chosen is no longer a problem, you could work on another behaviour – for example, throwing toys.

How long will your child’s time-outs or quiet times be?
They don’t have to be long to be effective. A good rule of thumb is one minute per year of age, up to a maximum of five minutes – for example, three minutes maximum for a three-year-old and five minutes maximum for children aged 5-8 years. You could set a timer to help you keep track of the time.

Will you give a warning before putting your child in time-out?
It depends on the situation and your child.  You might want to give your child a chance to change his behaviour before you use time-out. Or you might decide that some behaviour, like hitting or biting, should result in an instant time-out.

If you decide on a warning before time-out, be sure to follow through if your child’s behaviour doesn’t change. Otherwise time-out won’t work.

How will you explain time-out?
If you haven't used this strategy before, you need to explain what behaviour will lead to a time-out and what will happen. The best time to have this talk is when you’re both feeling calm. Young children will also need reminders and more help understanding the connection between their behavior and time out.

For younger children, you might practise what will happen using a teddy bear or doll, or even another adult.