Self-regulation skills in children

In brief, self-regulation is the skill of managing one's own behavior and understanding one's own feelings and reactions.

Self-regulation includes the skills to:

recognize and regulate feelings of excitement and frustration
calm down after an interesting or disturbing event
focus on the task
shift focus on another task
control impulses and postpone needs
learn behaviors that are useful in interacting with other people.

Self-regulation skills are important:

for learning (focusing on the teacher and the task, for example),
for managing relationships with others (socializing relies on the skill of engaging in joint play and activities, taking turns, expressing feelings in an acceptable way, for example),
for behaving in an acceptable way (controlling our impulses and postponing some needs),
for being more independent (making decisions and managing our behavior),
for successfully coping with stress and strong negative emotions.

Self-regulation develops from the earliest days: babies suck their thumbs to calm down, or look away from you when they need a break from talking to you, but it develops most intensively after the second year of life and beyond, until adulthood. Thus, children up to the age of 3 can already briefly postpone the need for food, but they still readily snatch a toy that they like on the playground, or throw tantrums when they express dissatisfaction and frustration.

Children aged 3-6 will be more and more skilled in playing together with their peers - they will be better able to balance their wishes and ideas with those of others. Also, they are more willing to follow some rules of conduct - e.g. to whisper in the cinema. At the same time, they still find it difficult to focus completely on their task, or to manage strong feelings such as anger or jealousy. As they start school, they become more and more skilled in understanding the perspective of others and arguing their opinion; they get better at expressing disagreement without quarreling.

Self-regulation develops in warm, supportive and stimulating relationships; therefore:

talk to the child about how he/she feels and analyze the behavior related to the feelings (eg. why he/she got angry and how he/she behaved then, what else he/she could have done)
when a child is struggling with a strong emotion (usually fear or anger), help him/her name the feeling. It helps if this conversation takes place when the child calms down.
help your child find a good way to calm down and offer to help him/her calm down when he is struggling with strong feelings
set an example for the child, name what you do when you are upset or frustrated by something
use positive attention and always praise and emphasize the child's success in self-regulation (you waited in line very well, I liked it when you asked for a toy and waited for him to be done playing…)
try to adjust your expectations to the child's skills; this way, you help the child become capable of resolving the challenges he/she faces
be very patient, it is very difficult for young children to understand and cope with a flood of emotions.

When to be concerned?

Some behaviors related to self-regulation may require you to consult a professional. Be sure to do this if:

your child has tantrums and finds it difficult to cope with strong feelings more often than other children of the same age
the older he/she is, the more difficult it is for your child to cope with strong feelings
when overwhelmed by strong emotions, your child's behaviors endanger him/her or others
you can't find a good strategy to help your child manage his/her behavior and reactions
your child becomes very withdrawn and shows fewer social skills compared to his/her peers.