Calming Children and Parents with Time Out

Young children’s behavior can be frustrating and sometimes unacceptable—to them and to you. “Time Out”—sometimes called “Taking a Break”—is one way that you may try to guide your child, ages 3 to 6, toward calmer and more positive ways of behaving. If these strategies are used consistently and in a loving spirit, they will not cause children to feel anger, shame, or fear, as “smacking” children does. Children differ in their development, temperaments, and needs. Your own family also has its own values and preferences. Keeping those differences in mind, you might try some of the suggestions below. All of them should be used in a loving way and never as a punishment. They are ways to help your preschool child learn to calm herself and to gradually learn other ways to show emotions and to interact with others.

Ways to Give You and Your Child a Break

“Quiet Time”

     If your child is getting out of control, yelling, acting up, or getting on your nerves, perhaps you both just need a short break.  Sometimes you can remove your child from a challenging situation, but stay in the same place. For example, if you’re at the park you might ask your child to sit under a tree for a few minutes and calm down.  At home, some families have a quiet spot or “peace corner” perhaps with a pillow or duvet and a soft toy, where you might bring your child for a few minutes alone.  During that time, you might be nearby but not interacting.  After a while, you could say something like “I’m going to start making lunch now. When you feel calmer, you could come and help me.” This shows your child that you love your child but are taking some time to put a “pause” on the upsetting situation.  

“Time Out”

    This is a more planned, systematic strategy, which in some situations can be helpful with children over age 3.  Before using this strategy, you will help your child understand that a specific behavior is harmful or not acceptable in your family.  You will explain that these kinds of behavior will result in your child’s spending time alone, without interacting with you or activities.  This strategy should not be used for minor misbehaviors—see other articles for helpful strategies of prevention and guidance. Also remember your child’s challenging behavior may occur because your child isn’t feeling well, there is a crisis in your family, or for some other reason. 

You might consider using time out only for behaviors that are never okay: (1) your child does something dangerous, like trying to run into the street; (2) your child hurts another child or does something else seriously harmful; (3) your child breaks a family rule—something that is never acceptable in your family; or (4) your child does not follow your directions after a warning.  Your child must be old enough to understand things like family rules and to see the connection between a warning and a consequence for this strategy to be effective. 

In time-out, your child goes briefly to a previously arranged time-out area, like a separate room or hallway. This area should be a safe, uninteresting place without favorite toys or games.  You remain calm, do not interact, and do not engage in argument or scolding. 

When calm has been restored, come back together to enjoy interaction again and to perhaps talk about what might be done the next time.

Introducing a time-out strategy in your family

Here are some things to think about before you start using a time-out strategy.

What are your own strategies for staying calm?

First of all, when you’re using time-out, it’s important to stay calm. If you find yourself getting stressed, try taking a few deep breaths to help relax your body and mind.

How old is your child?

Time-out can be a useful strategy for children aged 3-8 years.  Younger preschoolers (around age 3) may still have a hard time understanding the “time out” concept; consider introducing it very gradually while continuing to use other kinds of guidance. 

As your child gets older, you can also start to involve him in working out limits and rules.

Is now a good time to start?

Sometimes children start behaving in challenging ways when there have been changes in their lives – for example, the arrival of a baby brother or sister, moving house, or starting childcare, preschool or school.  The global pandemic is causing stress in families and affecting children as well as adults.

In situations like these, you might wait to begin time-outs until your child has begun, with your help, to adjust to the changes.  During this time,  think about other ways to encourage positive behavior, and as always provide comfort and nurturance.

Which behaviour would you like to help your child with?

Think about your child’s behaviour and what you would like to improve – for example, reducing hitting or swearing. Keep in mind that it’s best to use time-out to address one behaviour at a time. When the behaviour you’ve chosen is no longer a problem, you could help your child with another problem – for example, throwing toys.  And consider other strategies to use at the same time—for example, praise for positive behavior (distracting your child before a behavior occurs; addressing underlying reasons for the behavior, and so on).

How long will your child’s time-outs be?

Time-outs don’t have to be long to be effective.  For a three-year-old, two or three minutes is enough, with no more than five minutes for an older preschooler.  Or check in with your child after a few minutes and see if she is calming down.  You can say, “You seem to feel calmer now.  I’m going to start making lunch; come and help if you are ready.”

Will you give a warning before giving your child a time-out?

It depends on the situation and your child. You might want to give your child a chance to change his behaviour before you use time-out. Or you might decide that some behaviour, like hitting or biting, should result in an instant time-out.

If you decide on a warning before time-out, state the warning calmly.  Time-out is not a punishment, and warnings are not threats.  Finally, follow through if your child’s behaviour doesn’t change after the warning.  Otherwise time-out won’t have a positive effect. 

How will you explain time-out?

If you haven't used this strategy before, you need to explain what behaviour will lead to a time-out and what will happen during and after that time. The best time to have this talk is when you’re both feeling calm. Younger preschoolers will also need more reminders and more help to understand the connection between their behavior and time out. 

Especially for children age 3 or 4, you might practice what will happen using a teddy bear or doll, or even another adult.

Ignoring the Behavior, Not Rejecting the Child

Quiet times and time-out give you and your child a break.  Young children have intense emotions and sometimes lose control.  A short break from interaction and activities can help everyone cool down, leading to more positive behavior and keeping your loving relationship securely in place.