Family rules
Family rules: why they’re important
Family rules are positive statements about how your family wants to look after and treat its members.
- Rules help children learn what behaviour is and isn’t OK in your family
- Rules help adults be consistent in the way they behave towards children.
Rules can help everyone in your family get along better. They make family life more positive and peaceful.
What do good family rules look like?
Good family rules guide children’s behaviour in a positive way. They:
- say exactly what behaviour you expect – for example, ‘We say “please” when we ask for something’
- are easy for children to understand – for example, ‘Use a quiet voice inside the house’
- tell children what to do, rather than what not to do – for example, ‘Put your clothes away’ rather than ‘Don’t be messy’.
Rules that tell your children what not to do are OK sometimes. They’re best when it’s difficult to explain what to do instead – for example, ‘Don’t ask for things in the supermarket’ or ‘Don’t get in a car with a driver you don't know’.
A short list of positive family rules is better than a long one, especially for younger children.
Every family’s rules will be different. Your family rules will be influenced by your beliefs and values, your situation and your child’s maturity and needs.
What to make rules about
Choose the most important things to make rules about. This might include rules about:
- physical behaviour towards each other – for example, ‘Be gentle with each other’
- safety – for example, ‘Wear your seatbelt in the car’
- manners – for example, ‘We wait until others have finished talking before we talk’
- daily routines – for example, ‘We take turns setting the table each night’
- respect for each other – for example, ‘Knock before going into each other’s rooms’.
Your culture and values are unique to your family, so your rules may be different. Your children will learn that rules are a part of life, and that there are rules for different places and parts of life, like school, public transport and sport. Making and following family rules can help your children respect the rules in other places too.
Who to involve in making the rules
It’s important to involve all members of the family as much as possible when you’re making family rules.
Children as young as three can be part of talking about the rules. As children get older, they can be more involved in deciding what the rules should be. They'll be more likely to see the rules as fair and stick to them.
It can help to write down the rules and display them somewhere everyone can see them. This helps make them clear, and it can also prevent arguments about what is or isn’t allowed. For younger children you can make or draw pictures that show the rules.
When to review or change the rules
It’s good to go over your family rules from time to time to check how they’re working. This can also be a good way to remind everyone of the most important rules.
And there will be times when your rules need to change, as your children get older or your family or community situation changes. For example, if one parent’s work arrangements change, you might make some different rules about helping with household chores. If pandemic restrictions change, rules about how children may play with others can also change.
Following the rules: what to expect from children of different ages and abilities
Preschoolers
Most children aged 3-4 years have the language skills to understand simple rules.
But at this age, children are still developing self-regulation and are likely to forget or ignore rules. They’ll need reminders. For example, ‘Remember, we sit down to eat’.
And when it comes to safety, rules are important, but it’s best not to rely on them to keep children safe. For example, your rule might be ‘Stay away from the road’, but you still need to always watch your child near roads.
Children with additional needs
In families with children with disabilities or other additional needs, consistent rules send the message that everyone is equal, although adaptations and help may be needed. For example, if your family rule is that you all speak nicely to each other, your child with additional needs may need structured support in meeting this expectation, and extra praise for effort in keeping the rule in mind.
What to do when children don’t follow the rules
When children break the rules, you might choose simply to remind them of the rules and give them another chance.
For older preschool children, sometimes it will be more effective to use consequences if rules are frequently broken. It’s best to talk ahead of time, as a family, about consequences so that everyone understands and agrees.
